I see signs now all the time
That you’re not dead, you’re sleeping.
I believe in anything that brings you back home to me.

Please forgive me if I act a little strange.
I know not what I do.
It feels like lightening running through my veins.
Every time I look at you.

Psychoanalysis

Over the past few weeks, I’ve thought of some things. Some of which I’m not so proud of– but I am proud that I can finally understand what goes on in my mind– helps me to understand myself better.

I’ve realized that I extrapolate tiny things that people do into their entire personalities. It’s easy enough to do something nice or special once, but when I make that into the entire person’s personality I’m creating an impossible expectation for the person. It makes me not want to talk to them for fear that they will wreck it. Or that I will wreck the amazing person I am when I edit and re-edit what I say in my mind.

I am an awesome person without re-editing anything I say or do in my mind. I just have to be that same person without re-editing or getting nervous in front of the person (who by the time I talk to them I’ve thought so much about and put them on so much of a pedestal that I feel impossibly inadequate compared to them). I have waaaaaay too much to do in my life to be thinking out the lives of other people. I should make my own instead of making theirs. It’s a good goal.

And the genius function…

Is just about my new best friend. Wow:) I’m kind of obsessed with apple at the moment.

And there’s a new iPod commercial:)

And the song like describes my life. Perfectly. And… I’ve spent the past few nights watching my so-called life. I want high school back. And for Jordan Catalano to be real.

I tried to do handstands for you.
Every time I fell on you.
Every time I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But every time I fell for you…
I’m permanently black and blue.
Permanently blue for you.

I got bruises on my knees for you.
I got grass stains on my knees for you.
Got holes in my new jeans for you.
Pink and black and blue for you..
So black and blue… for you.

Wow. I <3 it. A lot.

My head is full of organisms.

Tell me if I’m going crazy, but everything you said amazed me.

Don’t wanna take it nice and slow here.
Don’t wanna waste a minute more dear.

The universe just vanished out of sight.
And all the stars collapse behind the pitch black night.
And I can barely see your face in front of mine.
But it is knowing you are there that makes me fine.

But the universe is just an empty space.
And all the stars can disappear without a trace.
I’m so glad that this has taken me so long.
Cuz it’s the journey that made me so strong.

Geez. This is the greatest connection I’ve ever had and, well, he is afraid. And maybe I’m a lot afraid too. Fantastic.

I have a headache. There’s too much on my mind. I think it’s time for stupid, non-microorganism containing TV. Second year is harder than the first.

You took my hand and led me down towards your kewpie doll parade.
We let the kittens lick our hair and drank our chalky lemonade
It’s not that I just didn’t care, I must admit I was afraid…

And I just can’t remember where the east wind blows.
Does it matter? If we’re all matter.
What’s it matter, does it matter?
If we’re all matter when we’re done?

You took my hand and led me down to watch a papillon parade.
We let the kittens lick our hair and drank our chalky lemonade.
You squeezed my hand and told me softly that I shouldn’t be afraid….

Remember when the days were long and rode beneath the deep blue sky.
Didn’t have a care in the world with mommy and daddy standing by.
But Happily Ever After fails. We’ve been poisoned by these fairy tales…

But I know a place where we can go. Still untouched by man.
Sit and watch the clouds roll by; the tall grass waves in the wind.
You can lay your head back on the ground; let your hair fall all around.
Offer up your best defense; this is the end, this is the end of the innocence…

All the promises we make from he cradle to the grave when all I want is you.

Joy that lasts forever…

Sometimes I am sure that’s a myth. The whole Journey song wedding perfect relationship thing that I thought I had. Really thought I had.

Now the ring is gone, and I have nothing but old memories, journal entries and songs that bring tears to my eyes within only the opening chords (if I am alone, that is). And the sad thing is that I kind of enjoy it. I kind of enjoy being the girl who is stuck in the past. As fast as you moved on, I promised myself I, for once, wouldn’t. I haven’t, but now I can’t help but feel that I am still entrenched in my past.

The romantic feelings are mostly gone, but the memory of the hurt is still fresh. It is so, so hard to open myself back up. I remember all the things we did so well. The things that fooled me into thinking everything was going to be okay. Now I can’t trust myself to know again when it is good. To have faith in something being good– or even the hope that it could be. I sabotage relationships before they even begin.

I’m half the man I used to be.
This I feel as the dawn, it fades to gray…